Relationships - ACR - 1 FEB 2018

Responding to success or failure

Recognition and gratitude are the fundamental building blocks of positive relationships

So in working with others to get going on the campaign- this is paramount!

The way we react to news- both good or bad is important to the continued health of these relationships

We might think- I’ve got a good relationship with that person so it doesn’t really matter how I respond to their successes however Shelley Gable ( University of California) has shown it’s not that simple. Your respond to success can lead to future success OR it could in fact shut it down big time.

Gable and her colleagues found that how we respond to positive events, is a better predictor of relationship success than how we respond to negative events. The most empowering way of responding is Active Constructive responding - ACR. (We touched on this is a TED TALK with Martin Seligman last year)

Active Destructive	Active Constructive
Passive Destructive	Passive Constructive

Example:

Let’s say Susie has come up with a new plan for how she is involving parents in the planning of service learning. A few other colleagues have been thinking about this but she is the first to bring the idea to fruition. She comes energised to staff meeting to tell us about her plans.

The worst response we can give her is lower left. PD. We might turn away, avoid eye contact, or change the subject. Or we might make a quick criticism of the idea- say it’s already been done, it’s not clear enough...and then start to talk about the work other people are doing.

Top left we have the AD response- it’s not much better at all! We find something to attack, to critique and focus just on that. Our response is entirely and relentlessly negative….vigorously so  in fact! “ That’s not going to work, they won’t like that...that will take too long, I wouldn’t do it like that…”

Underlying these 2 forms of response could be a reluctance to recognise others positively, possibly insecurity, feeling threatened…..and the like

PC response- well this one is positive at least. We might smile, say “good one...that’s nice” Then move on to something else. It doesn’t make the most of a positive event which could lead to further success.

ACR - Ideally we would hope to find a way to respond in this way. We’d maintain eye contact, take  real interest in what Susie is up to and her excitement over this new idea, we would ask more questions, show enthusiasm- maybe help her fine tune by saying something like “ That sounds great, tell me more, how exactly do you see that working?”  You may think it’s got a few holes here and there- but start with the strengths, help Susie uncover any potential gaps or weaknesses - help her consider it against other possible options.

In this way you will have helped Susie do more and better thinking.

Role Play Activity

Form groups of 5 or just get creative if it doesn’t work out numbers wise

1. Each person will share their ‘ success story’ Their good news……..
2. Take turns at responding - take on a quadrant each
3. Change quadrants at each story so you get a taste of all of them

What are the barriers? What prevents us from ACR? How can we catch ourselves more frequently?

I wonder how many ACRs we will give to colleagues, children and their whānau today?

Jude